Table of Contents
For many Gen X and millennial parents, sleepovers with friends are among our best childhood memories. There was something magical about the freedom and fun of spending the night away from home. In the era of freewheeling parenting, sleepovers were often loosely organized and informal. Of course, things have changed, and in the 2020s, there’s renewed debate on parenting forums about whether sleepovers are a treasured rite of passage or an unnecessary risk. When your child can sleep over at a friend’s house, it hinges on your priorities as a parent and whether your child is developmentally ready.
Sleepovers: What Are The Benefits and Concerns?
Not only are safe sleepovers fun, but they can also benefit your child’s development. If your child is ready, a sleepover is a chance to exercise her independence and practice experiencing the world without you. It’s an opportunity to experience other families’ cultures and build flexibility by experiencing activities that aren’t the same as at home. Spending the night with a friend can help diminish separation anxiety when your child feels secure in the other family’s home. These are some of the reasons so many of us have positive childhood sleepover memories.
However, sleepovers weren’t favorable for everyone–even in the golden age of carefree childhoods. For sexual abuse survivors, the issue may be emotionally fraught. Even parents who haven’t directly experienced abuse may have concerns about the safety of sleepovers. It’s normal to experience anxiety when we’re confronted with headlines like the father who drugged his preteen daughter’s friends while at a sleepover. Aside from concerns about sexual abuse, we may also have concerns about our children’s overall safety when we’re not supervising them for an extended period. Will they be exposed to media or adult behaviors we don’t condone as parents? How can we protect our children without depriving them of valuable social experiences?
How Can I Create Safe Sleepovers For My Child?
As parents, we must accept that some risk is part of a healthy childhood. However, we can take steps to reduce risk in most areas–and sleepovers are no exception.
If you feel your child is ready for a sleepover, two essential components will ensure a safe and positive experience. First, teach your child how to protect themselves and set boundaries. Second, clear communication should be established with the other parents involved.
Teaching your child safe behaviors is key to helping them build independence. If your child is not ready for a conversation about appropriate and inappropriate touching, they aren’t prepared for a sleepover. Remind them that it’s never okay for someone to touch them without their consent.
Setting boundaries in other areas is also essential. For example, your child should have a strategy if their friend is engaging in dangerous behaviors or watching or doing something they’re uncomfortable with.
While your child may not be ready for a smartphone, provide them with a “dumb phone” for sleepovers and other longer outings, and teach them how to use it. Ensure your child knows how to contact you if they’re uncomfortable and want to come home. Parents should also be in “on-call” mode and ready to pick them up on short notice if necessary. Ensure your child knows how to reach you and that they can call you any time, even in the middle of the night. They should also understand how to call 911 in case of an emergency.
Establishing communication with your child’s friends’ parents is another must. Get to know the other parents, and don’t be afraid to ask questions, including the following:
- Who will be supervising the children?
- Who will be in the home while your child is there?
- What types of movies and electronics will the children be exposed to?
- Are there guns in the house, and how are they stored?
You can also share important things, including food concerns and rules for media and electronics.
What If I Don’t Want My Child To Sleep Over At A Friend’s?
If you’re uncomfortable with sleepovers or don’t think your child is ready, saying no is okay.
Parents can devise other ways to provide social opportunities for their children, including extended daytime playdates on weekends. Another popular option is “sleepunders”, where your child can stay late with a friend but not sleep over. This option is especially useful when a group is sleeping over, but your child may not be ready.
What’s The Right Age For A First Sleepover?
As with many social activities, there’s no magic age when your child is automatically ready. The “right” time depends on your child’s emotional maturity and ability to communicate and set boundaries. Your child should also be mature enough to take steps during an emergency and advocate for themselves in an unsafe or uncomfortable situation. For these reasons, many healthcare and mental health professionals set the upper elementary years (third or fourth grade) as the earliest window for sleepovers, while others wait for the middle school years.
How Can My Pediatrician Help Me Navigate Social Challenges?
Many pediatricians are parents, too. We experience the same concerns for our own children as other parents and weigh the same issues when it comes to risks and tricky social situations. Sleepovers are one of those parenting questions that have no right or wrong answers. Your child’s developmental readiness is the top concern, and you know your child best. Be honest with yourself about their maturity, go with your gut, and don’t be afraid to ask questions.
The team at Loudoun Pediatric Associates is here to help if you have questions about emotional readiness, navigating risk, or the road to independence.